I had always thought that “mom guilt” was just a phrase people throw around without much significance. Little did I know how deeply I would experience this sense of guilt.
As a perfectionist who trusts that hard work will yield results, stepping into motherhood was a rude awakening; 1 + 1, definitely does not equal 2 and everything is far from black and white.
No matter how many books I read, podcasts I listened to, Dr's appointments we attended, we never seemed to get the answer we wanted, and I was left wanting, even more unsure than before. Of course, I understood Mianke is unique and there is no one-size-fits-all approach, but being in a state of constant uncertainty is where my mom guilt began.
At around 6 weeks we were informed that Mianke suffered from colic, a word I never intended to proclaim over her… We visited pediatricians, chiropractors, general practitioners, lactation consultants, dentists and everyone we could think of who could help us determine what was bothering our little miracle baby.
First mom guilt episode... why is motherhood not coming to me naturally? Was I not supposed to intuitively know and understand what my baby wants and remain calm when she cried? Instead a rush of panic and anxiety would overwhelm me when she started crying. What should I do now? How will I settle her? Am I doing something wrong? Does she sense my tension? These thoughts became relentless.
Fortunately, by the grace of God, a lot of support and prayers the colic crying eventually subsided around 3 to 4 months. Nevertheless, the feeling of being inadequate remained at the back of my mind as well as the numerous opinions we received, not from professionals alone, but also other people regarding parenthood.
One of these opinions were that if Mianke starts eating solids, she will feel better, feel fuller for longer and the constant crying will stop.
So the next phase began- the introduction of solids. I was eager to ensure Mianke develops a positive relationship with food, is a mindful eater and enjoys food- anything to make sure she does not experience what I did during my early adult life (more on this later). Yes, even at 4 months old, I found myself entangled in the perfectionist web of overthinking.
At 12 months Mianke was still reluctant to eat and for months we searched for answers; 2 dieticians later, a speech therapist and again a lactation consultant, I was no closer to a solution. I tried every "trick" in the book, but nothing worked. Mom guilt resurfaced, what am I doing wrong? Did I start solids too soon? Did I create a negative association with food? I know food before one is just for fun, but why is she refusing to eat, if we are doing everything “right”?.
At the same time, another unwanted opining spurred on my mom guilt, namely: “Your child can sleep through the night at 6 months”. Mianke was still not sleeping through at 12 months even though we read every book there is on sleep regressions and sleep associations. We consulted a sleep trainer, implemented all the tips, (dark room, white noise, routine before bed, most calories through the day, in her own room etc-YNWIM), and of course prayed/ declared that she will not wake up every 2 hours.
However, the sleepless nights were not all due to Mianke, but were fueled by my constant thoughts of what we should try next. Is she sick or teething, is it a mental leap, a sleep regression? I questioned her clothing- too warm or too cool? What about the room temperature, the white noise level, should we add a red light, essential oils, pre-bedtime massage, bath salts… the list went on. Mental exhaustion took hold; a feeling shared by most parents.
Eating and sleeping... 2 of the most basic, but also fundamental aspects in life, yet we (Mianke) couldn’t seem to master it.
I know that Satan loves to plant thoughts of doubt and inadequacy in our minds, and there were numerous times when I couldn’t see light at the end of the tunnel, but luckily throughout this journey, our prayer warriors stepped up and Mianke’s eating habits improved. At 13 months she started loving food and still becomes quite impatient when we take too long to feed her. All glory to God! As for her sleep, we still trust and declare that she will have peaceful and restful sleep, growing through this journey by God’s grace.
Still, no matter the prayers and faith that her sleep will improve, it remains difficult to speak life, when you are mentally and physically exhausted. Fatigue seeps into every aspect of your life- the way you respond, your eating habits, your relationships, and for me... my relationship with God. I yearn to spend more time with Him and in His Word, knowing that I will draw my strength from His presence. Some days, however, I am physically and mentally just not up for it, mostly because the uncertainty and above situations consumed me... Some more guilt.
I am a strong believer of speaking life into situations, but there are countless times I still fail to declare God’s promises. This constantly leads to a bout of mom guilt… Not praying enough for my child or more “valuable/powerful" prayers. I have so many books and resources on speaking life- about her future, praying for her husband, her friends, her God ordained purpose, but all I seem to beg God for is ”Please, let her sleep through the night” or “Please, let her eat tonight.”
The thoughts, questions and mom guilt episodes never seem to end. Don’t get me wrong, becoming a mother is the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me, but I have also never questioned and failed as often as I have as a mother.
I think all mothers can relate; we are constantly wrestling with the question of “Am I doing enough?”. Enough spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally? AM I ENOUGH AS A MOTHER?
Despite the numerous episodes of mom guilt, that I know are far from over, I look back on these 15 months and the various trials we've faced, and I realize that there is no perfect mother, despite outward appearance. While we all strive to become more Christ-like and we are created in His image, we are far from perfect. That is why we have His Grace to sustain us.
Overthinking, planning and wanting what's best for your child is entirely normal, but for me it came at a cost- depression, anxiety, and being sick more than I have ever been. That is when I knew I have to really let go and let God. Do what I can do, and God will do the rest.
I need a daily reminder that my best is good enough, God chose me to be Mianke’s mother, He will never give me more than I can handle, and I have to learn to embrace the uncertainty that comes with motherhood. We step into the unknown with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Motherhood keeps us on our knees, in constant prayer, seeking His wisdom and strength to raise His child that is but only ours for a little while.
When mom guilt rears its head, I hope you’ll remember to take those thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ and recognize that they do not come from Him. He has not given us a spirit of fear (doubt, uncertainty, never enough), but of love, power and a sound mind.
WE ARE ENOUGH, BECAUSE HE IS ENOUGH.